Marrow Escape [March 22, 2005]

Okay, I'm not going to name any names here, since this disturbing trend which has raised its ugly head, has done the same [raised its head, is what it done] in my house. My own fraternity. It was days ago that my eyes and ears were unfortunate witness to this scene, but it's taken time for me to restore the system enough to be able to write an account of this horrible audio-visuo threat from Hell. Bone smacking.
Thanks to bird phlew, Mom bought mutton. Nice mutton. I hogged. Hogged half a goat. Everything went well, until a certain sibling decided to make Paayas for dinner that night. Before i knew what that smell was, the lid of the cooker was flamboyantly uncovered, and the dish was upon us all.
Sour Wars II: Attack of the Bones.
I stood there, looking at the bones, feeling much like Ezekiel must have felt when our Good Lord took him to the Valley of the Dry Bones, in the very enriching 37th Chapter of Ezekiel.
For those of you who don't know what are Paayas, God bless your Virgin Soul. They are goats' bones which we boil and treat with garam masala et. al., and then later ingest. So legendary is this dish, that none other than Shiamak Davar himself sang the song reminiscent of "Strangers in the Night".
"Paaya....a...a..s in the night...
And Saaliboti
Cooking in the night...
Romaali roti...
Paaya....a...a..sss in the night......"


I swear, i was in the room when he crooned that bony spoof of a classic. And 9-yr-old ass that i was, i didn't grasp the funny bone of it all... But he had his clansmen in splits on the floor!
Now... This sibling insisited that the paayas had been lovingly cooked [for self, i suspect] and plastered with masala etc., and also emphasized that the Paayas were on the whole very strengthening. Ah then, i looked at my plate with its edible contents in one gathering, and the Paaya outcasts in the other corner. Seven bones, i was served! The sibling then gesticulated to me the exact [also, favoured] style of stripping these things of the last of their dignities.
STEP 1 - Hold the bone by the joint, and take it towards an open mouth as that of a mouth awaiting lollipop. Close the mouth over as much bone-acre as is possible. Get a grip and suck. Then repeat. This is "just the taste".
STEP 2 - After ensuring [under close inspection] that the Paaya is devoid of any masala, hold the bone in the right hand, and with jerking movements, strike the base of your palm against your other hand. This dislodges the contents. If any of you reading this part are in love with marrow in any form, i suggest reading 'Chicken Marrow Soup for the Diseased Soul' or 'Chicken Goop for the Marrow Bowl'. They're both available under the same publishing house. Paaya Publications, Marrow Avenue, or its branch at Boulevard of Broken Bones, whichever is closer to you. Now... Sibling dearest demonstrated in the first-person, the ideal way of extracting the paaya's manna. I've mentioned Route A. Here's Route B. Hold the Paaya in front of your face. Now put the damned toy in your mouth and suck [noisily!!] like a teething infant in a frenzy. That should undo it. Demarrowlising.
STEP 3 - If you're nauseous already [i don't blame you], this is thankfully, the last step. Flogging of the dead horse. Always a pleasure. Putting it into context, STEP 3 is termed 'Chewing of the dead bones'. Each of the bones is broken down to sizeable bone-tions with the molars [SNAP!! TIMMMBERRRR!!!] so that they can be sucked like cinnamon bark. This i believe, is every bone-hunter's Bony of Bonies. They meditate as they go through the grind.
While every cell in my body quivered INCONSOLABLY.


I've got a little list of 'If you wanna be bosom pals, you'd dare not...'
This one's right up there at Number Two. If my wife ever does Step 1 through 3, I'll give her a week's notice and tell her to live with her mum. I swear. And when i swear, i swear on every cell of mine that quivered like a multitude of belly dancers doing the Harvest Dance.


Mutton-shmutton! Fine, have your bone and meat it too, but leave SOMETHING for the dogs!!!
"Hayyy!! Teacher!!! Leave them bones alone!!
All in all it's just a-nother frickin' appall!!!"


{ And Ezekiel thought he'd seen it all! }